I couldn’t get it (?)

I didn’t get it. I need to understand. Sitting on the bed, in the mid of a winter’s night with an ice-cold silence inside my soul, I have realized finally, I didn’t get how these 20 years passed. Few days back when I was cutting my birthday’s cake, I was thinking to myself, how the time flew away? I just didn’t get back to being stable and I am already this far in life. Phew! That’s exhausting, the realization of being far away from square one.

Just looking back in the mirror and knowing how things have changed. How you no longer share your selfies with the people you’d religiously talk to without a pause. How some are no longer a part of your journey, those who promised to never leave. How a chocolate bar isn’t in the to-be-eaten list and how  rain doesn’t make you happy anymore. I am always fascinated by the idea of change and priorities and set backs and life and all its glory. Like we decide one day that drinking 2ltr/day is the best goal and the other day we decide this very person is our best friend and after some weeks we get to the terms that no, the person XYZ doesn’t need to be with us anymore and we can’t trust the ABC fellow, like looooooook? Isn’t it fascinating? Life teaches in the most silent ways. 20th year of my life has been a roller-coaster, a trail. I can go on and on, writing about it. Like woah! I need a long, deep sigh, heavy enough to puff away all that happened in this year. From personal life to social life, from friends to family, from breaking down to letting go, from being targeted to being silent and patient, from this to that and what not; boy! I have outgrown myself. Learnt a lot. Taught many. I have lived a lifetime in these 12 months. And oooohhhh, I got awesome grades in my prof, like wooooooh, goodness. Thank you, dear God.

I’d say,  you reach a point in your life where you see the real from the fake, you realize that sometimes, people really do come in your life for a few seasons but beyond that, there is no place in your life for them. You realize who’s there for you, and who is by your side just to fulfill their needs. You figure out who your true friends are. So if you don’t hear it from me, just know that we both had a part in this, sometimes people drift apart, sometimes what you considered a true friendship, was never cherished as a friendship by the other. It’s life, but don’t waste your time surrounding yourself around people who don’t value you in their life. It actually is comforting for me that the number of people I can trust is, never outgrow the number of my fingertips. I never thought I will make such HUGE transitional changes and be happy with them. I never thought I’ll take steps which need oceans of courage and wide open heart and still stay steadfast.

You know what you love in this life? You love what makes you stand tallest. I’d rather thank a bunch of the hypocrites who used to be a part of my life for teaching me volumes about life itself. There’s so much more behind those sugar coated masks.

I learnt; do the things you used to talk about doing but never did. Know when to let go and when to hold on tight. Stop rushing. Don’t be intimidated to say it like it is. Stop apologizing all the time. Learn to say no, so your yes has some oomph. Spend time with the friends who lift you up, bring out the good in you, strengthen you, and cut loose the ones who bring you down. Stop giving your power away. Be more concerned with being interested than being interesting. Be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it. Finally, know who you are.

It has been two years I am stuck in this writer’s block – it is getting so frustrating.

Other than that,  I wonder, we are all guilty of saving old messages from someone who became really special in our lives and going to familiar places that gives us that small twinge in our hearts and smiles on our faces. It’s one of the most bittersweet feelings ever because every time that person crosses our minds, we remember the instances when we were happy and complete. Many people would appreciate you. A lot out there want to be with you. For many, you’re a role model. For some, you’re the perfect example. You live an exceptionally beautiful life with all its charm. You’re envied, taken as an inspiration and all that is aw-ed. But your twenty something heart wants to be with the one who doesn’t give a damn or likes you back. Isn’t that tragic? Life’s a tragedy. It’s not about the labels or becoming official. It’s about getting to know someone well enough to develop genuine feelings for them. It’s about being understanding and forgiving when situations are at their worst. It’s about loving someone, not for what they have to offer, but for who they are. It’s never about blaming your significant other for not treating you like how you want to be treated, it’s about how hard they try to keep you around. But it doesn’t happen, you’re a wreck and life moves on.

A friend of mine once told me something very beautiful I’ll never forget. She said, “Love could be found in the most unexpected places. But you don’t get back your mental sanity and respect once lost. Hold it tight.”

I wish it could be simple, like a retro pop song. I want you to want me. BOOM. End of story, we all live happily ever after..but it’s really never like that, is it?  Hahaha.

It’s actually surprising to know how long a human’s heart and mind takes to let go off something. You try hardest the whole day but at night when you cry yourself to sleep because of the thoughts or when you jump into depression because of the past constantly striking back; everything fails. However, you keep on moving with that plastic smile of yours and one day when it comes to your doorstep, you’re relieved.  Because, it’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the heartache and fear of what life has.

I think even talking about these 365 days makes me exhausted but here’s to those very, very, very few who always stick around and stay honest, to the whole lot who is no longer there but taught much more, to the blue, the green, the salty water, the giggles, the constant support system, the consistency, the up above the hill and the downfalls; here’s to life and all that it brings along, don’t deceive it, don’t run from it – it’s meant to make you the person you’re supposed to become.

Because tea and you’ve been my favorite sort of intimacy.

happy kool


5 thoughts on “I couldn’t get it (?)

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