She walked in her silent attire, under the crimson crunch of the yellow evening. In the empty corridor where her lost laughter was still echoing, something was whispered into her ears, her heart stopped beating for a second and she gasped into thin air; it was his voice. She could feel it, as fresh as a newly plucked rose. Sipping tea and pouring its warmness into her iced cold soul; she sat by her favorite window.
‘Does it ever get better? To be in love, to be vulnerable, to be attached and then walked over?’ Silently gazing at the dark sky, swiftly opening the doors of old memories, she thought to herself. Suddenly all those sad songs started making sense to her, she felt like everything is snatched from her; slipping away from her grip like sand. He churned her soul into nothingness. How can he drift away without giving her a reason? You have the right to leave someone but at least tell them why, because what’s even more painful than being abandoned is knowing you’re not worth an explanation. She wanted to prove love is not about how long you’ve been together or how close or happy you were, it is in how many times you argue and reconcile, and found differences but still choose to be with each other. But he left her alone in the middle of this chaos?
To live without someone you said you’d never give upon, that was the moment where she decided to never believe again – the words of a lover.
“Mora saiyyan mo se boley na, mein lakh jatan kar haari”. (8)
The echoing tune broke the row of piercing thoughts. Hate and heartbreak; how close is this intimacy. How the most sweetest of emotion turns into an unfathomable poison of hatred, she’d see him burn in the ashes of her lost trust and yet don’t move an inch keeping him at an arm length.”He ate my heart, and then he ate my soul. And then….then, he left me empty to forever be miserable”. Another pill popped into her stomach with another aching crunch in her veins.
Standing in one of the busiest spots in the world, The NYC street, among thousands of strangers; her eyes were searching for his one sight, the last view. She could feel him in her shattered soul, how he walked over her, the way he threw her esteem like pieces on the same street where love was born. You know that feeling? When everything is falling apart. When one person breaks the doors of your heart and introduce you to the concept of love, then screw you over. You just want to go to your room, and fall on your bed. Nothing is wrong. Life is moving. But nothing is right, either. You’re still hoping, still wishing, still wanting.
How one person can ruin you for the rest of your life, her chest gasped once more.
“I’m staring at this beautiful night sky…
And I’m contemplating my broken life.
I just want this feeling to end.
It hurts too much now.
This loneliness is killing me.
There’s a gaping hole in my chest.
I’m all alone; With regrets and insecurities on my shoulders.
You destroyed me, killed me infront of myself.
My heart is gone, which piece should I follow?
Lights no more guide me home…”
“Aeso gaye pardais piya tum, chayn hamein nahi aye, Tu jo nahi tou aesay piya hum, jesay suna angana, Nain ti haari, raah ni haari, Nainan ko tarsao naa, Mora saiyyan mo se boley na…” (8) She played the 92nd tune in one of the most famous music celebration, the hall stood up. Clappings, voices, appreciations, people calling her out, her troop hugging her; every wall and human seemed to be just focusing on her and her talent. Amidst billions of people, she was lost. Lost where she was torn, the square one, such are the unfinished stories of hopeless, broken love – they haunt forever.
Her diary, 13-11-13. Of broken soul and beaten lungs.
Coldplay & Coldheart.