Maybe.

Tonight, in this empty corridor, I think of us and everything we left here; your scent’s slight aura, my giggles, the forced chuckles, tingling butterflies beneath the layers of my skin, those warm whispers, our broken pens, stained coffee cups and all that we lived in between these tiny moments.

 

The waves of numbness and cold gusts surge down the spine as I feel these old pillars; my heart whispers of the precious memoirs longing for your touch, my sight is searching for your shadow; while in between this harsh battle, I struggle to carry my cracking courage, trying to move on with composure.

 

Maybe some day, when the grief of losing each other will dissolve in the hustle of life; I will pass by here once again and not miss you the way I do now. Not this deeply, this strongly, this intensely; where every part of my being tries to rebel against my own breathes sighing in the limbo of nostalgia & loss.

 

I will pass by here, again, with a heart as strong as that of yours so to ask; why did it break? All this intimacy we held dearer to us. Did it hurt the nerve as much as it damaged the ray of hope in me?

 

Maybe, we can settle for a cup of coffee in this very corridor, like we used to do before you let it all puff in the thin air, and find all the broken ties, the missing pieces of the puzzle; maybe we can glue it all together in one piece pretending it never fell apart. I will be there in your warmth but my heart won’t skip a beat with your name, my eyes won’t lose a glance with your sight and my soul? It will be numb and indifferent; maybe I will find the courage again to face my shattered bits and not bawl my eyes over the sight of this damage deep within.

 

But tonight, how do I hold my soul that is torn apart in a strange abyss; which hurts the most? The loss of your love or our inability to carry it whole when we could.

Maybe none of them but actually, it was your indifference which kept my love dangling in a false mirage.

 

Maybe I will find answers one day and then turn back to you to tell, ‘although not all stories have a happy ending but ours was not meant to break hearts and destroy living beings either.’

 

Love.

 

 

 

The little joy.

What started off with short writing passages at the age of 7 or 8, many years back in school times has become somewhat of a profession by now. I never knew it will go this grand. It has been a long journey, indeed. From writing simple 4-5 lines to writing speeches & then columns, reviews, articles, poetry, stories, essays, dialogues and in almost every genre; writing has become my passion, an identity, a source of getting clarity, a way to mature and improve, to have inner growth, something I love to do.

What makes it so special is self-learning! I was that kid who would have poor grammar skills among all in junior classes. But I improved over the span and now, it is my strength. All of it did not happen suddenly. It involves years of practice, constant learning, attending so many events, contests, seminars, competitions, workshops and almost everything that had something related to literature has grabbed my interest. From many online forums, to magazines, websites, journals, press media and freelancing, Urdu and English; it is safe to say that I tasted every aspect in this journey of 3 years on WordPress, 1 year of wordpad blogging and almost 14 years of knitting words and writing in journal. There has not been any point where I did not try to do better. From extensive reading to online sessions, daily newspaper dose to learning by reading other fellow writers and iconic authors and just by seeing how they do it all; it has been a constant one-single person struggle. The highlight of it is that mostly I have been mistaken for being a literature student where my main domain is medicine. (Yes, another medical student, lol)

Although, no one in my family has any inclination towards literature but what humbles and satisfies me the most is that they have always encouraged me. It was my mom who used to help me with my essays and speeches when I was at the primary level. My dad, who always discussed Faiz, Iqbal, Maryam Gillani and Ashfaq Ahmed with me. My sister who has been my consistent support. My truest motivator. Who has listened to my speeches while practice, read my blogs, poetry and articles even though she does not keep any interest in reading to that maximum level. My brother who still believes that I am good at it. This blog is the courtesy of my dearest friend, my mentor, someone who has been my strongest source of motivation; my sweetheart, Zunaira Afzal. She is a brilliant writer. Check her blog here (https://zunairaafzal.wordpress.com/). It was her who pushed me to join this medium and compile all my work.

I will forever be in debt to my school teachers who saw the spark and ignited it further rather than killing it and made me what I am today. My friends who always took pride in what I write and supported me at every stage (still do it). Particularly, my friend since Fsc times, Zarlish Rehman, whose appreciation encouraged me that even though I have written Urdu all my life, I can write English and excel at it. And every person who inspired me, liked what I wrote, connected to me via words, acknowledged the impact I gave away and always uplifted my spirits.

Though, there has been many moments I wanted to put this site down and there has been many points where I felt I write pathetically, this sphere, no doubt, has been my most favorite. It has given me some very good friends and made me read and learn from very talented writers.

Even though I might not be overly promoting my work and this medium like others, I am not very vocal about my writings I still hold this space close to my heart and I continue to be here for many years of learning and improvement.

Happy birthday, my tiny blog, you have my heart!

 

 

Love,

Hira.

Please

But today,
let us talk about
our griefs and all the moments
when our hearts were broken.
To recall everytime
our fragile souls were torn
between the worries of
everything happening and
those of the upcoming fears.
Let us open up, to each other
without any doubts
and show all the scars,
of every tragedy and silent pain.
Say it all, for how long you have stayed strong?
Speak up!
Do not shy away, let us share;
all those stories we have been burrying
beneath the layers of our skin and
the ties of our tongues.
Today, let us be just humans,
of warm flesh and running blood,
let us smell in empathy,
let us put all of it out and free ourselves
of this unwanted burden in our chests,
For I have heard
your quiet cries in empty nights
and your unspoken words,
I have felt the coldness of your touch
speaking of all the hurt secretly,
Let us be raw, genuine
and pure with no other intention,
Let us heal each other,
For it has been so long
since we have stood firm
and stayed stiff,
Let us crack and let the light in;
Let us shine together and rise above
everything we thought we could not endure,
For so much happened and we are still here; our hearts are whole
And our souls, brighter and better than ever.

Burnt

Burnt bridges and burnt shadows;
Loss wasn’t this painful
Until he burnt his tongue while sipping hot tea
And physically felt it.
This very pain of emptiness
That clothed her heart
Since the day he left
And has been burning her soul till now.

Retrospect

It took me a very long while to post it. Maybe because I didn’t want to face the reality or maybe I needed more time to collect myself. Anyway.
I love self-analysis. I love sitting along the old window’s rusted pane, looking over the past & getting hit hardly by regrets, well mostly.

This time it has been particularly different. Just a few days into it and I have already realized that 22 is a very fascinating age. I am a very giving person. I do not know how to play the chummy card. If you are known to me even in the slightest of ways and life hits you hard; I will be there for you. No matter if you are an old enemy or a rival; if you are at your lowest, you will find me beside you. This year, it has been particularly a very different experience. Now when I stand and look back; so many things have changed, so many friends have grown distant, so many bonds broken, so many ended. A lot happened.

But what I have learnt before turning 22 is that people change, life knocks you hard, your closest friends leave, your love life dissolves and one day you just end up sitting in your old dress on the floor of your corridor wondering; “What exactly happened?”

Seeing on what came and was dusted off, I realized, I have lost so much this year. A friend I cherished deeply who has been the closest and dearest of all since years, someone I believed I was in love with, a lot of self confidence, few trust bonds, many connections, so many people, a lot of faith, feelings & more. Yet here I am, almost whole and complete to myself. I think this is how it moves on, to lose and heal.

1. Guys suck, not all of them, just most of them. (Ok. Ignore it.) Ending a bad relationship is hard, but it’s the best thing to do. Getting help doesn’t mean you are weak and it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

2. Not having it all figured out by now is totally normal. Take risks, even if it’s just a small one. Being single can be awesome.

3. Choosing to put yourself first doesn’t make you selfish. Changing yourself for a boy will never turn out well. Being the best form of you, is the most amazing thing you can do.

4. Following your dreams can be difficult but you can’t let that stop you. Sometimes you just want to give up, and the choice about whether you do or not is YOURS. Be a good friend. It can be hard and sometimes you’ll make the wrong choice, but that’s okay.

5. Drinking a lot of water is the best habit. Don’t assume a guy wants to be with you, make sure you’re both on the same page from the get-go. Be smart with your money. Save and don’t get into credit card debt.

6. You can find everything you’ll ever need on Pinterest. Be safe, not just with sex but in all your risky business. You’ll never be able to please everyone. Be faithful to yourself and your beliefs then you won’t have any regrets.

7. Be the most amazing person you can. You only have 1 life, don’t live it with regrets; climb the mountain, jump out of the plane (with a parachute), ride the mechanical bull (or a real one if your prefer).

8. You know, you will lose. And you will lose some more. A friend. A relative. A dear and close companion. Your love. And everything precious. But it doesn’t end there although we think the otherwise.

9. Life is too short for having forceful bonding. You don’t like any intimacy, cut yourself off of it. Invest in yourself and your goals. Have an amazing career. Be the best in your profession. At least you can sleep with the satisfaction of excelling at what you selected for yourself, it feels great, you know.

10. You can’t control anyone but yourself. (This one I am still trying to accept and master.) A little bit of kindness goes a long way. There’s a reason why every culture and language in the world understands the meaning of a smile. Feeling sorry for yourself is a complete waste of time. If something isn’t going right in your life, getting up and making a conscious decision to do something about it is the only way to change it. Nothing lasts forever. (I know we wish our summer tans and that bag of spicy cheetos would, but sadly they never do.) Not everyone will like you. And that’s okay.

11. Stop looking back and replaying your regrets and mistakes. You can’t change the past no matter how bad you wish you could. So take those things and learn from them. Stop looking at where you’ve been, and focus on where you’ll go. Every single thing that has happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

12. Some people think crying is a sign of weakness, but I disagree. Sometimes we just need to let it all out. It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. Don’t bottle up your feelings. It will only make you feel worse. Embrace your emotions and process your feelings. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

13. Worth does not come from things, it comes from inside. Your weight, appearance, exercise, food, etc. does not change how worthy you are. There are few friends with whom the friendship is not affected by time, if you connect after ages, you pick up from where you left. And then there are those who are going to be too busy for you. Get the hint.

14. Your elder sister will get married and you will have to do so many of the chores by your own self. She will not be physically around when you will screw up and get your heart broken by a guy or get a scolding from mom or burn your hand while baking and so, try to learn how to be independent.

15. If you get a chance to sleep early, do it. It was fascinating to stay up till late in younger years. It doesn’t seem to be as appealing now. Every friendship has its ups and downs. Some make it through, some don’t. The ‘difficult phase’ is inevitable. Friends are going to disappoint every now and then and maintaining friendships could sometimes be emotionally exhaustive. You just gotta find the ones worth struggling for.

16. Don’t think your life will go exactly as you envisioned when you were in middle school. It won’t. And you’ll be disappointed. Even though it would be SOOOO nice if it did. Do not feel bad for kicking toxic people out of your life. You are not entitled to keep anyone even though if they suffocate you.

17. Instagram lives are not real life. Let’s see what really goes on behind that filter. Graduating from college is scary. Equally amazing and terrifying. Don’t worry if you don’t have the perfect job the day you graduate. It will come. Eventually. Stop comparing. Nobody else can be YOU. Take care of yourself.

18. You only get one body to last you. Self love is sooooo important. Pamper, nurture, and nourish yourself. Always. Relationships of all kinds are hard. You have to work at them. Most friendships break because of the most trivial misunderstandings. Nobody makes an effort to sort it out and the silence worsens it further. Misunderstandings do more harm than you can imagine. Never leave things unsaid.

19. You won’t get along with everyone. That’s ok. Family is forever. Friends will come and go. Remember that. Stop worrying. It doesn’t ever make anything better.

20. No one wants to be the person who wakes up every morning and dreads going to work. I want to wake up excited to go to work; I want to love what I do. If you feel like you aren’t on a path toward happiness, do something about it. The only thing worse than quitting is waiting too long to quit. Remember to express gratitude daily. Be appreciative and thankful. There will always be people who will try to take advantage of you. Set clear boundaries and don’t let it happen.

21. It’s not always that you’ll find your best friends by your side. There will be times they’re not around when you need them the most. Sometimes, they may have a genuine reason and other times, they may just be bailing out on you.

22. There are so many more lessons to learn and the best is yet to come!

I hope we all heal,
I wish, I do,
Because,
some spaces never fill,
just like some memories
that never fade,
and some voids
and some feelings
which stab forever;
and always stay empty,
the kind of empty which has
nothing to do with absence,
and everything with indifference.

Love,
H.

If Life throws Lemons at you, make a Lemonade.

Lemons are good but so are strawberries and mangoes and butterflies and happy vibes and lemonade! Did I just say a lemonade? Yes! A CHILLED MINT LEMONADE, on a scorching hot day or umm, after a break up or a failure or a huge loss in your hard established business or those restless winter nights and sulky summery afternoons, lemonade is your answer for all these downfalls.
Life can be good, like a gooey, moist chocolate cake, taking you into its wings and letting you bask in the warmth. It can be so embracing and merciful, you’d feel your heart popping out of your chest due to the excitement. An encouraging friend who brings the best out of you, a supportive family who is always crazily mad about your new passions, a lovable teacher who makes you explore the best of your adventures, that stupid, silly gang of your college with whom you love to hang around, a birthday present right before you stopped expecting anything from your circle, a happy note in your book, a coin in your old wallet and so many such moments when your stomach was filled with butterflies and your heart, with the spark of igniting laughter. How many times did you think this, right here, is the prime and supreme of all the glory? How many times you’d not rest for a second because life was so overwhelming, you needed a minute to handle it?

Then, why everytime after a single pause we forget to re-start and think it’s the end? How many times did you indulged into binge eating after a break up thinking you’re not worth it? Or how many times did you try to commit suicide after having a rough phase, considering, ‘it couldn’t get any worse?” How many times you thought your mother is your worst enemy and tried to run away or how many times you tried to pray for your life to end because the bricks it threw were too heavy to be lifted and too few to be used into making a building?

Life is uncertain, it sure as hell is. Then why we give up after every hard time and lose our touch in the running chaos? In life we create certain ties with certain people in certain times, certain places but sometimes these certain ties need to be broken or ended. Detachment isn’t an easy process. Detachment isn’t as good as it looks. It can be messy, can dry up all the patience you have. Detachment takes time and effort. Detachment takes twice as much hard work as attachment. In detachment you forgive, forget, let go, move on, you lose and win. In detachment, you will find yourself and maybe you’ll lose them instead. But detachment is healthy especially when detaching from toxic people. Detachment can help you as long as you help yourself. Detach yourself from the things which are drying up your energies and yourself, which make you regret and cry, which make you exhausted of your own potential.

In all the struggle that life can be, we end up taking so much for granted. A heartbreak harbors the satisfying comfort of love we are supposed to absorb; illness makes us prone to hate. Procrastination makes it all so elusive. We can see it, right in the moment, but we don’t reach it out. Over the time you’ll realize that your only big moments would be the tiniest one – your poor birthday surprises and your closes intimacy with grandma in the sunny afternoon listening to the golden 90’s songs.

Don’t sit along your stack of lemons dropped by life. Make some tarts out of those lemons and enjoy them at the beach. Make some pies and have a tea party. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself why now. Ask yourself what. Ask yourself how. Ask yourself when. It’s hard to do something without a concrete reason why you’re doing it in the first place. Establish a strong reason that you can depend on as you go deeper into the road of betterment. This reason must be enough to make you decide to detach fully from all that which has been upsetting, and that reason will help you through every day that you are slowly detaching yourself from the bad, discouragement and everything which has been keeping you back.

It should be progressive. A one- time big time reason won’t last and so would you. This reason should make you find yourself even during the times that all hope is lost.  Find the root cause and start looking at how it affects you, the people around you. Look around you, look at yourself. Detach yourself when you know you’re losing it.

While taking a walk in your university with the aura of sunset around, leave a little regret over the pavement, throw away the day’s drama in the road-side canal and let go of a grudge. Smile at the birds flying back towards their homes – wave. Eat a healthy dinner, feel the sun soothing your soul, and celebrate the moment, make peace with the sorrows, laugh. Then, open a blank page in the memoirs of your living existence and speak your heart out, dance – celebrate like there is no tomorrow.

Remember, when lemons are showered over you, embrace them, have fun around them, be so strong to overpower them, come out of it as a survivor with your strength and strong gut and don’t forget to make some lemonade while you’re at it, celebrating and partying – also, do squeeze some of the lemons back into the eyes of life which thought you’ll lose or the ones who pushed you back.

Deranged.

00:00

Evening –

9-3-09

Under the crimson sky, her face sparkled. He could feel her golden dusted hair from far apart.
Her lipstick stained coffee cup flashed in front of his eyes, he stumbled suddenly. -giggle-
He could hear her, amidst all the whooshing noise of wind, he breathed in her voice.
The warmth felt going, the ice cold vibes clothed his soul, he choked.
-revelatory shook-
The touch was lost, his breathe paused –
Losing has never been this difficult.

————————————————————————–

She gasped while she read his days old letters, the love-calls
Along the window side, a coffee mug in her hands – the rain splashed across the front pages;
And then her face. It broke something inside, the crunching could be heard clearly.
“Oh! It’s the heart.” She murmured in the state of trance, hysterically.
Her face started falling blue, her lips quivered and dried, her skin stiff;
He took along her soul, the body cage was set free –
“What a damage the loss caused, how heartless!” –
Her voice echoed in the hall for the last time,
The coffee turned cold by then.

———————————————————————-

The walk down the memory lane proven to be deranged, taking away two souls in dismay;
Distance has always been cruel but more were the hearts –
How the brightest were burnt in love –
The inked letters were all soaked in rain, blank pages left behind;
it has never been truer, the incomplete story of intimacy –
going through the retrospect, reminiscing the past has always been the hardest.

———————————————————

Bidding farewell.